i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
