I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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