I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
