my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
