remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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