I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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