I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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