Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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