i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
