The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
