I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
