A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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