Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
