My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
