When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
