Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
