she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
