Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have fence marks all over my body
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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