I could make wine with my vomit
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
