I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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