dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
