Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
