my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
