My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
