wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
