2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.