Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back