i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.