i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
