I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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