so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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