when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
