he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
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Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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