Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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