In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
