i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
