i love accidental penises.
time to smoke my breakfast
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
