when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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