I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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