K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
