I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
