my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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