One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
