remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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