i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
