Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
