If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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