i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
