dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
