I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
