Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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