then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
