the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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