Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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