I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize