my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
