I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
