Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
