i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
