nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
