Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
