my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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