you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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