I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
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Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
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Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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