Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
