Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
