apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
