i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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