she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Help. Why am I so naked?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
